the comfort of pain
by monkey face19
Summary: I can't offer you numbers and figures because there are far too many to count and I can't give you names because i never really asked.


**_Disclaimer: i don't own a thing, no suing please, thank you_**

_please review me, thank you :)_

**_Note: I have no idea if this story is good or not lol, i was clueless on how to write cecile and i know this may not seem accurate concerning her personality but i couldn't dumb it down any further then i did. She is speaking to both sebastian and kathryn in this story. Thank you to all of those who reviewed me, i appreciate it so much i can't even tell you, keep doing it please lol_**

I know what they think of me, all of them, "stupid cecile" that's what they think. It use to make me angry, it use to make me cry but not anymore. Now it just makes me smile, they think i'm stupid and that's fine, if there busy thinking that then they won't see the truth. People are so easy to munipulate, there so eager to believe the lies, truth is never as comforting as a lie and as long as there are all snuggled and comfy, a lie will do just fine.

I twist my plaid skirt around my fingers, and I sway back and forth, my feet never seem to touch the ground. My life is filthy now, I think I owe it to you, to both of you. Without either of you my life would still be the same, niave, stupid, innocent cecile, twiddling her thumbs while waiting to be taken advantage of. When I first met you kathryn I was immediatly drawn, like you had some force that pulled me to you. You with your kind mouth and crucifix, guiding me along on my journey which would end with quite a bang. I had no idea of your intentions, but of course I didn't, i'm an idiot right? You convinced me to do things that i'd never even knew existed and on some cold nights I still feel your mouth on mine, still taste your spit and I gulp it down with all my might. That's what did it you know, that kiss, my first, that's what infected me, that's what made me who I am. I imagine your juices coursing through my veins and spurting out onto my heart forming a thin sheet of black ice. It was just a kiss but somehow you managed to get inside me, you intruder. To this day I compare that kiss to all the others. Yes it was just kiss, but it was deeper then any fuck i've ever had, your tongue was more ferocious then any dick that has ever been in me. You turned me into you with lips and teeth, your mouth molded me into an entirely different person, your mouth molded me into what you wanted.

You'd be quite happy to see me now kathryn, to see the moster you created. I know what to do now, I know all the right moves, I know the rules of the game that i was once a pawn of. You were right, everybody does it...but nobody does it half as good as me. I curl my eyelashes and put on pink lipgloss, pink because pink is sweet, unnassuming. Then I walk into the party or school or wherever I may be and I bat my eyes, I keep them wide like a doe, I look like pray. Then that's when the boys come, they swarm in flocks, I bite the tips of my fingers to fake an innocence that i no longer have, you stole that from me, remember? then it's just the same ol same ol, flying limbs and sweat and smacking sounds.

It doesn't matter now, not anymore and it hasn't since you published your damned journal sebastian. Once the truth came out and everyone discovered how easily fooled I was, I decided to just let go. Once I found out how badly I had been used, I decided to do some using for a change. It still kills me to know that you took my virginity, that you were inside me and you only did it for fun it was all a joke for you and kathryn to pass the time. The goal was to make cecile a slut right? success! Now all it takes is a raised eyebrow and my legs are spread, above my head, whatever. It's nice though, I don't really have to pretend, I don't have to say sweet nothings to warm hearts, I don't have to eat milk and cookies and my words don't have to taste like lollipops. It's easier for me then it was for you kathryn, now people expect it from me, poor fucked up cecile, yeah, they expect it. I can't offer you numbers and figures because there are far too many to count and I can't give you names because i never really asked.

I had thought at one point in time that sex was special, a physical proclomation of love, now its just something to bide my time, fill up my holes when i'm feeling empty, which is always. You have no idea, either of you, what it feels like to be used, what it feels like to bend at the command of others. You passed me around like a toy, you poked and prodded and experimented on me and now i'm one big gaping wound. Give yourselves a round of applause. You wanted to break me and you did, now the only time I feel alive is when I cum or am in pain, when it shoots through my body and exits my throat like a strangled scream. So I do it, over and over and over again, then after the feeling ends, once the afterglow is over, the blackness creeps back into me, and clutches at my insides. You've fucked me up beyond repair, you hurt me so badly that now, hurt is the only thing I understand. I go out looking for those types of guys, the girl beaters, and I make them do it. I put there hands around my neck and beg them to press harder. Punishment for my stupidity, self inflicted wounds always heal but when harm is caused by another, the feeling always stays.

Your handprints are still on me sebastian, indenting my skin, not only yours though, now there are millions. I have bite marks and bruises, they cut me when there angry and I plead for it like a dog. now, the only thing that gets me off is pain, they backhand me and it feels like a kiss. Burn me, beat me, fuck me, jack me and kill me, I take it all and ask for more. Don't you just love it? how far i've fallen, how quickly i've come undone, stupid, stupid cecile... And to think, it all started with a kiss


End file.
